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my mr. big

lemme tell you about my best friend, Toby. 
i know i share personal stuffs here but mostly are about the things i like about fashion or what i've shopped or who i went out with. 
but today, i want to let you guys in to something more personal. 
this is probably the most personal thing you'll ever hear from me.


some photos are with bianca, toby's sister
photo source: bianca's facebook

i met Toby through mIRC which was way back when i was in 2nd year high school (1999 if i remember it correctly) when everybody else was doing it and it was so cool. so just like the usual chatters of that time, we had an EB. i know, i know this sounds so corny but bear with me on this one. we had our EB in galle because again, galle was the coolest, most happening place back then. galle, particularly in dreamscape. it wasn't my first EB but it was the first time, i think, that i'm going out ALONE without someone i barely even know. i also don't know his face. all i knew back then was he was from ateneo and we were both in 2nd year high school (which makes him older than i am because they have grade 7 in ateneo). oh, and of course, i know the color of his shirt! back then, there were no facebook or friendster, twitter or multiply so it was totally creepy but still, i went. 

i can't describe the first time i saw him because it was too beautiful to remember...like everything went slow mo. i still have that picture in my mind and it keeps playing and playing like a beautiful memory. dreamscape was like the perfect setting and i have the perfect boy right in front of me. the carousel's were blurry and every other noise just shut down. it was a silent yet beautiful old sappy movie. yes, i found him cute even if he was chubby back then because hello, i was too. 

we had a very funny first date. you know those dream dates that you have on your mind? ours wasn't like that but hell yeah, was it fun! i think i've never cursed so much my entire life!!! i wasn't even embarrassed about it because it was soooo much fun! okay, so we rode the virtual something in dreamscape. i can't remember the name but if you are my age, you'll remember this red virtual thing that closes and you go inside all locked up and there's a TV screen in front of you and the red thing shakes like it was simply shaking some popcorn. it was crayyyzay! i forgot how the day ended but i'm telling you, it was just the beginning.

so, yes, i had a crush on him. he was tall, cute, cuddly. he makes me laugh and we can talk hours and hours on the phone that my mom and my grandma thought we were together (up to now my mom would say, "yung ex mo" and my sister and i would always correct her, "best friend!"). but i was young then and i've never been with anyone so we were just really friends. 

a few days after, my classmate's sister told me the truth: toby is not in 2nd year high school, he was in grade 7. WTF??? i called him that night and asked him to tell me the truth and he did. i was mad at first but i don't know why i forgave him for lying. 

the friendship went on and on and on. i've never met someone who has given me so much attention before. i've never felt like i was loved. toby just did that...effortlessly

i remember on my 15th birthday, i celebrated it with my girl friends and some friends from ateneo in .shit, i forgot the name of the place but it was in katipunan extension. tobz and i went outside for a walk and left everybody in the party. we got chupachups and he gave me this paper bag of gifts. in the paper bag, there was a denim jacket from kamiseta. then he said, "you always tell me you wanted one...para kang laging nagpaparinig." because i was 15, i didn't really recognize this as a sensitive act. i thought it was a joke but now when i think about it, he's exactly the guy i want to be with. he's so sensitive. how many guys would pick up the things you say? i mean, i'm quite sure hindi ako nagpaparinig. then he said, "i even asked mom if she thought it would fit you and if maganda ba." he asked his mom....his mom!!! god dammit. but that's not the only thing in the bag, there was also a card. the card was signed by all of his friends. i've met the friends and hung out with them before but i was surprised he had the courage to actually ask his friends to sign a card for a girl??? oh my gawwwd. then, the question...he asked me for the first time if i wanted to his girlfriend. i was young and stupid. i said no. after a few months or years, he asked me again. i said no again. few years later, he asked again and i said no again for the last time. but we remained friends. we will always be friends. 

so you might ask, "why did i say no?" well, toby is complicated. i love him. i do. but he's just waaaaay too complicated for me. he was hard to figure out. he was hard to tame plus i guess at the back of my mind i always wanted to keep the friendship. the friendship was more important to me.

can you honestly tell me, how many guys accepted your "no" with open arms? how many guys will not be bitter about it? how many guys would still be your friend after you've rejected them? in this case, 3 effing times!!! he never left. NEVER.

so the friendship continued. it was too good to just give up. i have so many fond memories with tobz. i always remember the times when we hung out in their den or the times when tin, gere, toby and i would play basketball in their court (yes, they have a basketball court in their house!) like there's no tension going on within the four of us. HAHA! i remember crazy parties. i remember fun times in his room, eating butong pakwan with bianca and andrew while watching TV. i remember tobz would always call yaya "ang batas". we have this inside joke that i still remember up to now...

YAYA TO TOBY: bakit namumula ang labi mo? baka may lagnat ka! uminom ka ng gamot!
TOBY AND I: laughing our fucking asses off!!! 

i swear it was the funniest thing ever! i will not elaborate more because it is too precious to share =P

i remember the time when i dated a guy. this guy was a TOTAL asshole. he left me all alone in the cinema in megamall because i didn't want to have sex! this was when i was in fourth year high school, i guess. i had P70 in my wallet because of course, it was a date. i didn't know how to commute back then. wala pang MRT nun. if i took a cab, i don't know if P70 would be enough. i took a bus without knowing if its the right one. i just figured out that i would reach welcome and i'll know what to do from there. the whole time i was in the bus, toby was talking with me on my cell phone making sure i was okay, that i got home safely. he offered to drive me home if i took a cab from megamall to his house but i was too embarrassed already. i got home safely and we talked in the phone some more until i was okay. 

a friend set me up with another atenean of our age back in fourth year high school. this guy is the worst date ever. we were watching a movie and he asked me to touch his abs. i was naive then so i did but little did i know, my hands were already in his you-know-where. i LITERALLY ran out of the movie house and never went back. i went home and told tobz about it. the next evening, i got a call from ateneo's guidance counselor. i was shocked! ateneo called my house!!! good thing i was the one who answered. i pretended and said, "she's not here." you know what toby did? he went after that guy. he was in 2nd year and that guy was in 4th year and he just went there and you know what happened next. 

now i feel tobz felt unappreciated by me. i always say that i want a guy to stand up for me and toby would always do that. lagi n'ya kong pinagtatangol. you know what? i've had boyfriends who were taller and more macho than toby but no one ever did the same thing for me. hell, toby got expelled from ateneo. his grades were failing too and he was on probation when he did that. i somehow feel guilty that he did something for me. he loved me more than anyone ever could.

we never had a fight. oh, i think we did once. i had to cut class the day after we had a fight. i went to his house with a venti caramel frapuccino and a face asking for forgiveness. that was the butong pakwan day. i think it was the same day i said i love him too. but he was with someone back then and i'm not that kind of girl. i just had to say it but it was too late.

we haven't spoken for a long time when i was in college because i was busy with boyfriends who guard me like i'm the president. they were jealous of toby and i obliged. i thought, toby would understand perfectly. 

years passed and i got a call one night from him. he got my number from a common friend. we had dinner in zaigu in rockwell...had cocktails in felix. i never told my bf back then because i don't think he would understand the kind of friendship i have with toby. all of my boyfriends before were threatened of toby but he doesn't bite. we are harmless together. 

little did i know, it was our last time together...just the two of us

march of 2009, toby died. 

he killed himself. 

i wish, what if, if only were the things going through my head. up until now those are the thoughts that linger whenever i think about him. i want to know that he's okay. i want him to send me a sign...a smile, a butterfly, a dream. i want to see him. i remember mama ched saying that the difference with someone who just left you and someone who died was that when someone just left, you know you'll get the chance to see that person again but it's harder when someone died because you know you'll never see that person again.

today, i am letting it all out. i never ever said anything. my sister would always ask if i'm okay but i would always say i am even if i'm not. i don't want to bother anyone but i guess it is now time to just let it all hang out. 

i miss toby. i miss him more than anyone. i love him so much that it hurts...it hurts that i will never see him again...that i'll never have the chance to say i love him over and over and over again. but i guess, it is now time to let go and let God. he is with Him and i know someday, we'll be together again.

i love you best. i love you best.
you will always be my mr. big. always. forever.

1 comment:

being miss east said...

this brought tears to my eyes..
you are one lucky girl.
i always believe that every girl should have a man for a bestfriend - someone who dotes over her and would give in to her whims just because..

i have a friend like your toby, too. and i havent even said 'thank you' to him for all the things he had to deal with because of me.

thank you for this post.